Railroad Track Riding

The latest word from the medical community is that I am going to shatter like a tea cup on concrete if I take a spill. Seems that with age comes "thinning bones." To rectify the situation one must:

• Sit in the sun to absorb vitamin D (not an option for a red-headed sun fearing "burner")
• Choke down calcium pills the size of unshelled peanuts (integrated throughout your day)
• Stop smoking (thank heaven I never started, I might be bitter to quit at this age)
• Throw in a little magnesium and silicon (beer is the food item with the most silicon - not an option in my professional setting)
• Lift weights (I'd rather build a rock fence than sit in a sweaty gym staring at a wall as I count reps)
• Spend time exercising on a vibration plate like the astronauts use (only if I get the trip to the moon along with the pain inflicted by this device)
• Eat enough vegetables to sprout long furry ears, a fuzzy tail, and the ability to scratch behind said ears with a hind foot (perhaps the prep time would fit between weight lifting, calcium/magnesium/silicon monitoring, and sun bathing)
• Choose ancestors that are NOT light-skinned fog dwellers (hmmm)
• Strive to be overweight by at least 40 pounds throughout your 30's and 40's (drat, more candy bars would have been nice)

I am a problem-solver by nature, so I plan to put on my swimming suit, sling on my backpack and head up the canyon where I will divert my regular smooth bike ride to a bone-jarring ride along the railroad tracks. Each day I will fill the backpack with river rocks, dine on crispy watercress and stinging nettle, and return via same railroad tracks to my yard where I will begin the construction of a six-foot rock wall from the collected river rocks. Slitting an aloe vera leaf will allow ample application of the soothing gel to my sunburn after which I can devour the outer leaf.